On Saturday, July 11 I turned 23. It was very hard it a birthday for me because half of the pair that created me is no longer with us. I did not want to celebrate, did not want to acknowledge that day. I wanted to lay in bed, watch movies on my laptop, stay in pajamas. If my father was here in physical form (my father is with me every single day) he would be kicking me for thinking such a thing on my birthday. My father would want me to go out and celebrate the life he created with my mother, the years of raising they shared together.
One day, I can't remember if it was afternoon or night, but Daddy and I were having a conversation together and he said, "You know, when you were born I had gotten off of work and my back was in such pain because I was sitting up so straight and so tense. I was scared I was going to break you, you were just this little thing... but when I saw you Lauren, God, I was in love from the moment I saw you." I told Mom about that talk when we were having dinner together on Saturday night and Mom said, "For the first few days it was just you and your father. I was not legally allowed to hold you due to the medications I was on." Some people know this story, many do not... I was always active in the womb, I stopped moving and my mother knew immediately something was wrong and called her doctor. He said I was probably okay and waiting would not be a problem. My mother got in the car, drove herself to the hospital and had an emergency c-section. They found that I was so active I wrapped the umbilical cord around my neck and arms several times. Had my mother not gone there that night I would not be here today.
I talked to Aunt Nora and Aunt Donna both about what this day now meant for me without Dad. It had been a while since we really talked and I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations I had with both of them. I look back on the final night and just how happy he really truly was with all of us around him and you can't ask for anything better than that. Aunt Donna said she remembers getting the phone call when I was born... Aunt Nora and I were always being teased by my father for one reason or another. My father was my pea in my pod. He is my person... the person that understands me for the person that I actually am, not for the person everyone wants me to be. Never tried to change me just tried to make me work harder, make higher goals, strive.
Chelsea worked my birthday so Mom took me for sushi which was amazing. I did all of the ordering, we laughed, talked about this year, talked about Daddy and then we drove to the Back 9 because one of our customers was playing with his band that night. I got in the 4Runner which smells like my father, turned on the radio and wanted to hear Human Touch. I couldn't help but cry, and writing this I'm crying. I wanted Dad with me more than anything else in the entire world, he was supposed to be there. And the strangest thing happened, because I normally can't listen to the entire song... it brings up too many emotions for me but it CD player was on Random and it picked Human Touch again so I know Dad was with me/us on the way to the Back 9. It is very hard for me to go there but when I go I see so many faces that love Dad so much it feels so good when I am there.
I know that although I can't see him he is here with me. We feel him constantly, his energy around us. We get signs from him all of the time. And I know he was watching over me as I went out Saturday night to celebrate the start of another year of life because that is what my father would have wanted. I was safe and came home early.
... I can taste a Tuna Melt from the Back 9 right now!!!
